Marc SchanzWaiting for Vlad

I had some long-winded post somewhere inside me, but reading the papers about all this missile defense brouhaha in Europe reminds me of an amusing anectdote that was meted out over cocktails the other day.

“Ahmadine… Ahmed…
whatever. Yes, I’ll hold.”

Halfway through our wide ranging rants and raves, my friend (for the purposes of the blog, I’ll be kind enough to leave his name out of it) is beside himself with disbelief and is convinced he can solve the whole thing.

Said friend proceeds to regale me with his not-so-elaborate plan to prevent an Encore Cold War—which I will relay via a hastily assembled one act play:

“Waiting for Vlad”


Vladimir Putin, President of Russian Federation and founder of the international order of hard pipe hittin’ muthas

American Fellow

SCENE: Kremlin office of Russian President Vladimir Putin

(Phone Rings)

Vladimir: “Hello”

American: “Vlad, what’s up. Joe here. You got a sec?”

V: “Who.. How’d you get this number?”

A: (Ignores question) “Look, I know you’re all freaked out and stuff over there – I can’t say I blame you. And Lord knows you got your ways of dealing with these things – you KGB guys keep it on the real. But I just wanted to tell you to chillax with all that pointing missiles noise. Polonium is one thing, but come on.”

V: “Listen, look at a map lately? We’re surrounded here.. NATO’s moving into the neighborhood, I got uppity Baltic states that are giving me heartburn and now you Imperialist swine want to put interceptors in Europe! Iranian missiles!? Man, we made those things and let me tell you..

A: “Look, I know.. I know.. but Vlad, you gotta believe me. This really isn’t about you. These people..”

V: “Whatever. Naked aggression.”

A: “They really believe it.”

V: (Pause) “Come on. Seriously?”

A: “Deadly.”

V: “BWAAAHAHAHAHAH! (sound of hoarse cackling) Ah ha.. ha..oooh boy. That is completely illogical, and defies any strategic sense in the loosest possible definition. You expect me to believe that?”

A: (Long Pause)

V: “Mm.. come to think of it..”

A: “See?”

V: ”..I..I… what do you people put in your water?”

A: “You know it’s true.”

V: “Allright. I’ll think about it. I gotta go fix… I mean talk to some people.”

A: “Cool.”

V: “And check your sushi.”

A: “Not funny.”



  1. Alan Tomlinson (History)

    Is Putin offering Krasnoyarsk to Bush as an alternative to a new radar in the Czech Republic? The irony is pretty thick.


    Alan Tomlinson

  2. abcd (History)

    Close – Putin has offered existing systems in Azerbaijan as a substitute for the U.S.’s Eastern European missile defense plans as of this afternoon.

    Now we can protect ourselves from those illusive Iranian missiles as well as allow Putin his backyard influence if Bush and co. take him up on the proposal! I’m waiting for the diplomatic fallout when the offer is rejected, though.

  3. j house (History)

    Russia realizes the US and Europe will press ahead with a limited BMD, regardless Russia’s stance. Putin knows that threatening to deploy intermmediate range missiles won’t get him very far…it will be strongly opposed in Europe, and Russian (i.e., ‘Soviet’) influence and power has completely withered away with the fall of Communism. This ain’t 1980 and the SS20-Pershing debate, folks.This is Putin’s attempt to stay relevant as the West prepares a strategy against Iran’s program to deploy a nuclear deterrent against Israel and the US.