It’s time, once again, for our annual year-end contest. This time, let’s change it up a bit, as we’ve pretty well mined lyrics, old and new, written about the Bomb.
This year’s contest will have two winners. One will be for the best one-line characterization, haiku or limerick regarding nuclear developments during the Obama presidency. The other will be for the best one-line characterization, haiku or limerick regarding nuclear developments during the Bush presidency.
As before, our year-end contest provides an opportunity to hear from you, the Silent Majority. We know you’re out there, and we know you have somehow maintained your sense of humor, despite all that’s not well in this world.
Josh Pollack and Tom Nichols of the Naval War College, who has written a new book, No Use: Nuclear Weapons and U.S. National Security, will serve as co-judges. Tom has offered a simple haiku to get your juices flowing:
A posture review
was released by the White House.
And still no one cares.
Limericks, anyone? Here’s my offering:
There once was a President who went to war
Not once, but twice, for interests most core
To slay dragons most nasty
But made errors most ghastly.
Sadder but wiser, with much left undone,
He passed the baton, with battles un-won.
We know you can do better. Winners will receive a signed copy of one of my soon-to-be if not already remaindered books.
He raised eyebrows in Hradčany
New hope for a deal on test banning
For Godot we all wait
Prospects are not great
As the White House sits on its fanny.
While enriching went on in Iran
There was elected a very smart man
From the general assembly
Everyone went trembly
And somehow came up with a plan
Though the weapons remain on hair-alert trigger
At least the arsenal no longer grows bigger
Further progress is hopeless
With the Tea Party focused
On blocking anything proposed by a black man
After ‘bama took over from Dubya,
Still Fought with Iran and Libya
Nuke tech circled round,
Korea blew one in the ground,
Almost miss ‘Merka Fuck Yeah!
Mitt, you still can’t put
Ballistic warheads on a
Tupolev bomber.
There once was a guy named Obama
Who didn’t like nuclear drama
He cyber’ed Iran
And droned Pakistan
But try selling that down in ‘Bama
When Bush served as our President-er
He was viewed as a good nuke preventer
That “Axis of Evil”
Was pretty medieval
But he couldn’t stop saying nu-CU-lar
Drifting to zero
Maybe in our lifetime
Then, great power war
Current situation satisfying
Will go to zero when you do
Had to kill uncle though
There once was a president’s son
Who bought into percent doctrine one.
While Saddam he deposed,
A few problems arose,
Buying time for Iran and Jong-Un.*
(*Requires creative pronunciation)
N.I.E. said Iran wants no nuke
So Obama cooked the book
He said Iran wants a nuclear weapon
It’s obvious; no need for a reason
Bush at least had had the decency
To fabricate proof of WMD
Obama like Bush says he’s able
To use “all options on the table”
As always, the press plays along
Singing the same old war song
The song goes something like this:
America’s the master of the universe
Israel is an angel amidst the brutes
Its nukes spread love if it shoots
Iran’s medical isotopes are evil
The handiwork of a lying devil
Let’s sanction them, choke ’em, hit them
Worse comes to worse, let’s nuke ’em
Bush Junior was a dim-wit,
But Senior? He was legit.
“Lower numbers, bad?”
Tell that to your dad,
Who signed START lickety-split.
Simply calling it
A strategy doesn’t make
Patience strategic
Thanks for rounding out
That Axis because just two
Evils ain’t enough.
There once was a boy from Pyongyang
On whose word life and death seemed to hang
Plus his buddy the Worm
He made half the globe squirm
With alcohol, nukes, Sturm und Drang
Seasons are turning
And so are centrifuges
Strategic patience
Joint Plan of Action:
If we can’t have it all, then
Should we just say no?