The contest to pick the best lyric about the Bomb and best adapted lyric about the Bomb generated so many superb entries that our distinguished panel of judges had great difficulty selecting winners. Truth be told, in both categories we have split decisions.
In the best lyric category, Josh Pollack’s strong preference was “Crawl Out Through The Fallout” by Sheldon Allman (1960), but nobody submitted this entry. The opening stanza:
Crawl out through the fallout, baby
When they drop that bomb
Crawl out through the fallout
With the greatest of aplomb
When your white count’s getting higher
Hurry, don’t delay
I’ll hold you close and kiss those
Radiation burns away
I am extremely partial to “Harvest for the World” by the Isley Brothers (1976). Granted, a bit on the generic side, but I’m a sucker for the lyrics, the spangled bell bottoms, and the guitar riffs. Here’s a sample lyric:
Dress me up for battle, when all I want is peace
Those of us who pay the price, come home with the least
Nation after nation, turning into beast
When will there be a harvest for the world
Again, no takers. As for the actual submissions, our panel of judges was particularly impressed by the following entries:
Anon’s choice of “The Russians,” by Sting:
How can I save my little boy
From Oppenheimer’s deadly toy?
There is no monopoly on common sense
On either side of the political fence
We share the same biology
Regardless of ideology
Believe me when I say to you
I hope the Russians love their children too
Alex W. scored highly with Weird Al’s “Christmas at Ground Zero,” perhaps in honor of the season.
Francois Heisbourg also received kudos for nominating Guy Beart’s “Le Grand Chambardement.” Josh Pollack advises readers to watch this video: “Although the audio track is a bit on the quiet side, you’ll get a sense of the almost [Tom] Lehrer-like spirit that animates the song. Jaunty rhymes juxtaposed with ghastly lyrical images. Beart’s affect is much closer to deadpan than Lehrer’s mischievous eye-gleams, though.”
The judges were partial to lyrics involving imagery of the Bomb as a burning sun. Kevin scored with the Dubliners’ “Sun is Burning.” Ditto for Diamond Dave, with Pink Floyd’s “Two Suns in the Sunset”:
The rusty wire that holds the cork
that keeps the anger in gives way
And suddenly it’s day again
The sun is in the east even though the day is done
Two suns in the sunset
Could be the human race is run
Re made the top tier with Iron Maiden’s “Brighter Than a Thousand Suns”:
Out of the universe, a strange light is born
Unholy union, trinity reformed
Yellow sun its evil twin
in the black the winds deliver him
We will sleep to souls within
At a siege a nuclear gust is riven
Amazing lyrics. Who knew that heavy metal could be so heavy? Turning to the best adapted lyric category, our panel of judges was extremely impressed by Andy’s take on Cake’s “The Distance.” Original lyrics:
Reluctantly crouched at the starting line,
engines pumping and thumping in time.
the green light flashes, the flags go up.
churning and burning, they yearn for the cup.
they deftly maneuver and muscle for rank,
fuel burning fast on an empty tank.
reckless and wild, they pour through the turns.
their prowess is potent and secretly stern.
as they speed through the finish, the flags go down.
the fans get up and they get out of town.
the arena is empty except for one man,
still driving and striving as fast as he can.
the sun has gone down and the moon has come up,
and long ago somebody left with the cup.
but he’s driving and striving and hugging the turns.
and thinking of someone for whom he still burns.
he’s going the distance.
he’s going for speed.
she’s all alone
all alone in her time of need.
because he’s racing and pacing and plotting the course,
he’s fighting and biting and riding on his horse,
he’s going the distance.
Andy’s adaptation:
The missile is crouched, the launch is on line,
the fuel is pumping and thumping in time.
the green light flashes, the rocket goes high
churning and burning, it tears through the sky.
it deftly maneuvers and muscles for rank,
Mox burning fast on an empty tank.
reckless and wild, it hits the apogee
its package is ready to spread mass agony.
as its speeds to the finish, the package heads down.
the people have no time, they can’t get out of town.
the bunker is empty except for one man,
still sitting, and thinking, his face in his hands.
the sun has gone down and the moon has come up,
humanity now just a drop in a cup.
in the bunker he watches the clock as it turns,
while thinking of someone as the city burns.
it’s going the distance.
it’s going for speed.
it’s all alone
all alone for the final deed.
because it’s racing and pacing and plotting the course,
on its way to deliver the ultimate force,
it’s going the distance.
Theo Kalionzes received very high marks for his adaptation of Bob Dylan’s “Subterranean Homesick Blues.” The original lyric:
Johnny’s in the basement
Mixing up the medicine
I’m on the pavement
Thinking about the government
The man in the trench coat
Badge out, laid off
Says he’s got a bad cough
Wants to get it paid off
Look out kid
It’s somethin’ you did
God knows when
But you’re doin’ it again
You better duck down the alley way
Lookin’ for a new friend
The man in the coon-skip cap
In the big pen
Wants eleven dollar bills
You only got ten.
Now here’s Theo’s “Subterranean Nukesick Blues”:
Yukiya’s in VIC
Mixing up the deluge
I’m on the pavement
Thinking about the centrifuge
The man in the dulband
Hands up, who me?
Ahmadinejad says its for peaceful energy
Look out kid
Its somethin’ they did
They ain’t gonna duck down the alley way
Lookin’ for a new way
Everyone knows the NAMs still an ally
The man in the White House
With the big pen
Wants eleven dollar bills
They’ve got twelve man.
Kapowski scored heavily with his adaptation of Def Leopard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” The original lyric:
Love is like a bomb, baby, c’mon get it on
Livin’ like a lover with a radar phone
Lookin’ like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition woman, can I be your man?
Razzle ‘n’ a dazzle ‘n’ a flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah
Kapowski’s revision:
Tryin’ to move a bomb, baby, like Abdul Q. Khan
Livin’ like a baller ’til my cover’s blown
Lookin’ like a scam, but I don’t give a damn
Sell a turnkey program to someone in Iran?
Razzle ‘n’ a dazzle in Uranium’s aglow
Better take cover, baby, it’s about to blow
Sometime, anytime, for a small fee
For all your ‘tomic needs, baby, just call me, yeah
Melissa deserves props for her adaptation of “Whatever Lola Wants”:
Whatever Jong-il wants
Jong-il gets
And little bomb, little Jong-il wants you
Make up your mind to have no regrets
Design yourself, enshrine yourself, go BOOM!
He always gets what he “aims” for
And your heart’n soul is what he came for
Lastly, Nick Ritchie’s nomination of Senator John McCain for his riff on the Beach Boys classic, “Barbara Ann” (“Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran…”) was very tough to ignore.
It’s a damn near-impossible task to pick winners, but that’s why they pay our panel of judges the big bucks. The winners are Anon with Sting and Andy with his adaptation of “The Distance.” To receive your prizes, contact me (krepon@stimson.org) with your mailing addresses and the inscriptions you would like in your books.